Our Move to California: One Year Later

I have to be honest. Moving to California has been one of the hardest things I've ever done. It sounded so easy. Drop everything and follow the man I love to another state to build a life together. Leave behind family, friends and familiarity. Not something that I worried much about since I've spent my whole life moving around the country and constantly building a new life.

And a year ago I wasn't worried at all. I was excited, eager and enthusiastic to leave a lot of things behind me that I felt were holding me back and just start fresh with the man I adore.

I knew there would be some adjusting since this was our first time living together. But honestly those challenges have really brought us closer. I knew I wouldn't be able to jump directly into my dream career but I didn't know just how trapped and unhappy I would feel having an all-consuming "job" that "just pays the bills". And that this "job" (or jobs rather) would take up so much of my life that I hardly have time or motivation to pursue my dream career.

I knew I would miss certain friendships but had no idea how difficult it would be to find new friends and fill my empty heart that longs daily for my girlfriends and their amazing hearts. Or that my very best friends were indeed those girls back home and I wouldn't be able to hug them when they needed it or cry together when times were tough.

I knew that this place would be different. But I didn't expect to feel sad every time someone asked how I liked LA or to feel out of words when they expected to hear how awesome I felt about the move.

I am homesick. And I didn't expect this.

But when I explore my feelings and really delve into what this is; i don't think it's California's fault. I think the move was 100% the right choice. In fact I KNOW it was.

I am unhappy with where I am in life, not physically but mentally. I'm not fighting for what would make me happy because I've lost the fight.
I have an incredible man who works fearlessly hard for what he loves and it's so inspiring. I think I'm so worried about letting him down that I don't risk following my dreams and being happy because I don't want to fail and disappoint him. But that's ridiculous.

He's going to support me in anything. And I can't live in fear (and unhappiness) worrying I'll fail at something I've never tried.

I have to live for now. It doesn't mean that I can't miss my friends so hard it literally hurts my heart. Or that I can't wish for just ONE rainy cloudy brisk fall day.... with boots, pumpkin spice lattes and scarfs in deep orange and plum.

But I have to find my happy now.

Any ideas? Cause I think my man needs a break from being my best friend, boyfriend, roommate, and girl chat connoisseur.  And that's ok.

twenty-five.

When I was little I always had this grand thought that 25 would be THE age. There was something special about the number and I had a strong feeling all my life that something would HAPPEN at that time. Of course I never had any idea what the "something" should or would be.... but it never occurred to me to care.

Source: picturesandquotes.net via Taylor on Pinterest

I did however at least believe that by 25 I would be married, most likely either have one child or be working on it. ;) I thought I'd be settled into a career that I got from having accomplished my Bachelor's degree. I pictured a house with cute photos of my family everywhere and one of those fellas who makes you CRAZY but in the best way and you cannot believe really exists.

Source: stylemepretty.com via Jessica on Pinterest

I had all kinds of dreams. I thought I'd have myself figured out.


Boy, was I wrong.


I turned 25 in March of this year. My fella turned 30 (sorry babe!) three days before me so I threw him a big surprise party at his favorite brewery. He got to snowboard and see lots of friends and family and I was just SO HAPPY to do it for him. Honestly though, that BIG DEAL 2-5 that I had been waiting my ENTIRE life for... turned out to be just another birthday. There was dinner and a movie date with my love, but nothing life changing occurred.

Source: google.com via Mary on Pinterest

And since turning 25?


Well, a lot has definitely happened this year. Starting a WONDERFUL blog and learning about an amazing community of people. Starting an amazing handmade business that allows me an outlet to be creative and share that with others. Leaving Oregon. Leaving my beautiful little girls (that I nannied for) that I ADORE and I'm sad to be without everyday.  Moving to California. Living with a BOY. Being totally in love. Not working a real life job for a few months and feeling the loss of income. Figuring out what I genuinely want to do as a career. Trying to figure out how to achieve that while still paying the bills. Getting published as a writer (and PAID!).

Source: eighteen25.blogspot.com via Tara on Pinterest

a lot has happened. 

But there are still days. When I think.... "I'm 25. Almost ALL of my friends are married and most of those also have babies. Many people my age own a house and a car. Almost everyone has a pet of some kind. People my age are HAPPY in their CAREER."


And me.... I'm working two jobs that aren't my passion but I'm doing to pay the bills. I owe $40,000+ in debt from school. I live in an apartment and would DIE for a house (even just to rent) and a dog (and cat too!). I own a sewing machine that I'd love to have time to learn to use. I KNOW I could be a fantastic writer if I could just get a job full-time. I have SO MANY goals.....

Source: funkyvintagekitchenblog.com via Tara on Pinterest

So really this isn't a post to say... "gosh my life is so not cool". 

It's a post to say I'm working at it. It's not where I thought it would be, or where the majority of others may be... but that's not my life. 

This is a post to inform my childhood self.... 25 is just another number. It doesn't stand for anything. Just go after what YOU want for YOURSELF and the rest will come. Oh, and try not to be so grumpy. And wear sunscreen. And drink water. Ugh, nevermind..... too much to tell you. Just remember the first part. Mkay?

Source: flickr.com via Tara on Pinterest

So don't worry if you aren't "where you think you should be"  whatever your age or place in life is. Also don't compare your life to others. This is your journey and it's unique to you. If you don't have something that you want....figure out how to get it.

Source: darlingdexter.com via Chelsey on Pinterest

And remember to let go of all the worries once in awhile and just be. Chances are there's something to enjoy just about today.

Fighting for Friendship

My entire life I've been the girl who peered in.
All the cute, funny, stylish girls crowded together and loved each other and laughed.
And I stood on the outside of this circle trying and fighting to replicate their actions so that I could be in the circle too.

 But somehow it just never happened.
I didn't have enough money.
Or the cool clothes.

I was awkward and liked to read.
I'm clumsy and had better conversations with the teacher than those girls.
{probably because I was so intimidated by them}

And my entire life I kept thinking to myself...
One day it won't matter. 
One day I'll just be an adult and there won't be any more jealousy or cliques.
But it's not really true.

In college it was less obvious but still existed.
I had many guy friends {because truthfully boys don't have this unspoken weirdness},
But never a core group of girlfriends. 

I was still struggling to connect.
And frequently girls would get angry at me and turn people against me and I wouldn't even know WHY or what it was that I had done to upset them. A guy friend even told me once {on my 21st birthday} that "I KNEW what I did."
I cried in the middle of the room. Frustrated and NOT knowing what I had ever done. 

Now here I am at 25 years old.
I have a FEW girlfriends that I call friends but we don't really share our entire hearts.
We don't laugh and have coffee and call each other all the time. 
We don't send each other nice notes to say we were thinking of each other. 

And honestly, it must be me.

I am a very independent person. 
I have a hard time trusting others. 

But what hurts my heart recently....
is my move.

I'm in a new state, with a fresh start, and I'm trying to be more outgoing.
EVERY girl I meet I try and reach out to. 
And after nearly a month,
I still have zero girlfriends. 

My heart hurts.

What's worse is that ever since I started blogging,
I've found an amazing community of women.
I've found ladies who are caring, kind and want wrap you up in their sweetness.
I've found friendships. 

But I've never actually hugged these women.
And I can't sit with them for coffee and share my heart.
We can't laugh and talk about work, boys, home, crafts, food. 

And,
I find myself jealous of them. 
I still feel like I'm fighting for their friendship.
I see BETTER, STRONGER relationships form between the people that I shared my heart with and I feel betrayed and left out. 
I wonder why it wasn't me.
Why I wasn't the one.

I know I'm in control of my own happiness.
I know that I am the one over-trying and over-analyzing my feelings.

But I also know I'm the girl without the core group of friends. 

Does anyone else feel this way?

 

Loneliness

I have to be honest. And share my heart.
Most days, I prefer to be mostly alone.
I'm more of an introverted person and I need that "me" time to de-stress and re-ground myself.

But ever since moving to CA, I have experienced a whole new kind of "alone time". My new alone time is all the time. Most days, I don't see or talk to another living soul until around 7 (or later) when my fella gets home. It's not something I expected to be so upset about. But I hate it. 

                                                                                                                                                                                 Source: thecharliebrown.tumblr.com via Cari on Pinterest

I feel like I'm trapped and like I should be using this time for really AMAZING things that I was unable to do when I was super busy. But something about loneliness is that it makes it hard to be motivated. Every day I think of all kinds of extraordinary things that I'd like to do for my shop, for my writing career, for myself, etc.

But then this dark cloud comes over me as soon as my fella leaves for the day and I'm left all alone. I never thought moving to CA and knowing no one would be a big deal.

I know it's only for a short time and I'll meet people but right now.... it's unbearable. I find myself crying at nothing and by the time my man does get home from a long day at work; I am frustrated and upset if ALL of his attention isn't on me. It's not his job to create my happiness or be my ONLY friend.















I know that this will not last forever.
I know that I have SO very many amazing blog friends.
So thank YOU for being out there.
Your sweet comments.

                                                                                                                                                                        Source: photographyblogger.net via Estelle on Pinterest

And hopefully one day we'll be able to meet for coffee,
talk about life,
and be together. 

It's official

After being so unhappy for so long with roommates......

OH MMM GEE. Anyone who knows me well, knows that this is a HUGE deal for me. I lived alone in college (it was amazing) and I tried the roommate thing for awhile now post-college and....

I JUST HATE IT. I need my privacy, space and quiet. And honestly I'm hard to live with because I'm very OCD and particular about how I want things to be in a house and I expect other people to respect that. You know, keep things clean, quiet and just a general respect. Doesn't happen with roommates.

But as of July 1st.....I'll have my own keys. To seriously the most gorgeous studio apt I could have ever hoped for. I cannot WAIT to take you guys on a picture tour. Hardwood floors, bright yellow walls, stainless steel kitchen appliances, old vintage feel.....WEEEH!.

Now I just have to not lose it on my roommates until I move out. Which means LOTS of time at the fella's house. LOTS. Only 2 MORE WEEKS! Then peace.

Serenity now.

[On my Heart]

I have been through all kinds of emotions this week that I wanted to share with you but it's funny how sometimes you sit down to write and it all just seems less important. We all have "stuff". And each one of our "stuff" just seems like THE WORLD when it's happening to us but what I love about this venue is that I can let all that go and just be. I feel as though you all can just know me for whoever I want to be, depending on what I share. But here's my secret.....I share it all. I'm sort of a "no-hold-back" kind of writer. Always have been. Much to the distress of people closest to me sometimes. Oops.

Here's the thing. Sometimes I wish I didn't dream. I have the type of dreams that force me to deal with all the stuff that I try not to think about all day. So all night long ....I'm STRESSED. Oh ya, it makes for a very tired me in the morning. And then I'm grumpy. And then things happen like my car needed to be fixed (and costing $1000 btw) and me realizing that that's 1/3 of what I owe on that car still and I really shouldn't pour more money into it that I do NOT have. UGH. Then the kiddos throw food all over the floor, and are cranky and won't sleep. See all of this happens and then after work... I see my fella and know that I want to be in A GOOD MOOD. But then he is grumpy and I get RE-grumpy again. And these are my days. Everyday. ALL the time. But I try.

Then I come to my computer. And I have a blank canvas. I have people who understand me although they've never met me. And who are compassionate. And LOVING. And it makes me want to cry. I want you to know that I LOVE you. Thank you. Life will continue to happen. And as a quote I heard goes:

Oh how it does. I'm focusing on myself. Making the right decisions FOR ME. And I will deal with the consequences as they may come. Because what is a life without happiness? I NEED happiness. I DESERVE happiness. So I will fight to the death to figure life out. So what if it's not going "as planned" or if I'm not where I thought I'd be. Doesn't make me a bad person. Doesn't mean I'm living it wrong. There's no such thing. The only person I can blame for my bad days is me.

The change is going to be hard. And rough. But I hope you'll stick with me.

{just.lovely.things} headband

 

On my [heart]

Wow I am exhausted. Does anyone else feel this way this week? I love my blog and crafting so much and yet somehow I never make enough time for the things I love the most. Frustrating for sure.
But what's really on my heart this week is this:

via  & via

.....FINDING MY OWN APT! I just LOVE everything here and wish I could have spaces of my own to decorate like this.

I have really been irritated with my living situation lately. I live with roommates, in a house that isn't mine or that I can stake ANY kind of claim to because I literally just rent a room there. The color of my room is cotton candy purple and it's always ridiculously cold in there. People are loud. I get NO SLEEP at night. I'm hardly there because my fella doesn't have a vehicle and so I typically am the one driving and staying at his place. (Note the exasperation when I state that fact) I just feel like at 25 years old I want to be in MY OWN SPACE. I need a craft area (right now it's a bag) and the ability to decorate.
This is especially hard for me because all through college I lived on my own in my own apts. I LOVED having full-control over every piece of living space and just that privacy. It's just HOW I unwind. And I think NOT having this for the last TWO years has been a major point of stress and anxiety in my life.
Don't get me wrong either; I would LOVE to live with my fella. We spend SO MUCH of our time together already and I just think besides being easier (than living out of a duffel bag 4-5 days a week) it would also be comfortable and fun. But it's not a step he's ready for yet. Sigh. 
SO I need my own place. And I'm searching. But Portland is a tricky city. It's beautiful but CRAZY expensive and living alone is pretty much the most costly thing you can do. Unless you are a good searcher like me. I will find a place. Make it my own. And be HAPPY. 

Linking up with ....

Link your heart

On my [heart]

via

This week I want to share more about my goal. To write. Professionally.
Have you ever had something in life that was right in front of you but it was just barely out of reach? This is where I am with writing. I have applied for jobs, submitted my children's book series to a publisher and been connected with some AMAZING contacts in the industry.  I should be doing this any day now right? Right?
My current job now has a deadline. It's not like I'm being fired or let go (or even that my employers WANT me to go.....they really don't) but the situation is changing and they know that I really want to explore other career options so they are just letting me know that I need to decide and be able to give them an answer (to stay or to go) by mid-July so that they may figure out if they need to find a replacement. TOTALLY FAIR. But I wish I had an answer for us both. I wish I could say....well I'm going to regretfully be leaving.....TO DO SOMETHING I LOVE. But I don't know that. And I can't quit a sure career with the HOPE that I will make money somehow. 
No one ever told you that growing up would be so difficult. Boo. If you've heard of anyone that would love to pay a lovely lady to write her heart out....would you please pass them my info? Mkay. Thanks.
Let us all go back to the days of this:

via

I am linking up to the beautiful Casey Weigand this week and so can you. Visit her here.

Follow my [heart]. Step one.

I just wanted you guys to know. That today I followed my heart. I officially put together a proposal for a children's book editor. And sent it to her. Done and done.

Here's a sneak peak for you:

  

Am I excited? Yes.

Do I have any idea where this is going? Nope.

Am I trying not to get too crazy excited? Ha, I wish. 

What are you doing to follow your [heart]? I want to hear about it. 

On my [heart]

My lovely friend Casey has a new linky challenge for us. 

I decided I really wanted to participate.

We have every Friday to share what is on our heart. 

You can share too. 

I will show you how to after my share time. 

Here it goes:

Currently my heart is quite confused.

I've been having a lot of those "talk at boyfriend" convos lately.

You know the kind that make you feel like a nutcase,

and him like you'll never stop talking.

But he usually listens quite well. 

sometimes.

 I've written here and here

why my heart is so frustrated and confused lately.

And yet no matter how much I move forward,

toward making it happier,

it still feels this way.

It's like I'm trapped in a circle! 

 And I know I need to have patience 

and confidence

But truth be told, 

those are not my strong points. 

Tonight I am going to put together a "pitch" of sorts.

An introduction.

Of myself as a writer, 

and my children's book series. 

And next week a real life children's book publisher,

is going to READ it.

YIKES.

This is the dream.

But I am terrified of it.

Why?

Who knows what she'll say. 

Plus...

I'm not worried that she won't publish it.

She probably won't. 

And that's ok, because I WILL get published someday.

By someone.

But I'm more worried that she won't like it at all.

That she'll laugh in my face.

And that I'll have wasted my time and creative effort for no reason. 

  And I know none of this is valid. 

I know she won't laugh in my face.

Even if she hates it, 

She'll give me feedback that's useful.

But it's just a scary thing.

BUT....

If I want to be this:

via

...AND I REALLY REALLY 

WANT TO.

 Then I have to do the work.

Scary,

Or

Not. 

That's what's on my heart this week. 

 

Now,

Click this button.

Blog.

And share your heart.