And a year ago I wasn't worried at all. I was excited, eager and enthusiastic to leave a lot of things behind me that I felt were holding me back and just start fresh with the man I adore.
I knew there would be some adjusting since this was our first time living together. But honestly those challenges have really brought us closer. I knew I wouldn't be able to jump directly into my dream career but I didn't know just how trapped and unhappy I would feel having an all-consuming "job" that "just pays the bills". And that this "job" (or jobs rather) would take up so much of my life that I hardly have time or motivation to pursue my dream career.
I knew I would miss certain friendships but had no idea how difficult it would be to find new friends and fill my empty heart that longs daily for my girlfriends and their amazing hearts. Or that my very best friends were indeed those girls back home and I wouldn't be able to hug them when they needed it or cry together when times were tough.
I knew that this place would be different. But I didn't expect to feel sad every time someone asked how I liked LA or to feel out of words when they expected to hear how awesome I felt about the move.
I am homesick. And I didn't expect this.
But when I explore my feelings and really delve into what this is; i don't think it's California's fault. I think the move was 100% the right choice. In fact I KNOW it was.
I am unhappy with where I am in life, not physically but mentally. I'm not fighting for what would make me happy because I've lost the fight.
I have an incredible man who works fearlessly hard for what he loves and it's so inspiring. I think I'm so worried about letting him down that I don't risk following my dreams and being happy because I don't want to fail and disappoint him. But that's ridiculous.
He's going to support me in anything. And I can't live in fear (and unhappiness) worrying I'll fail at something I've never tried.
I have to live for now. It doesn't mean that I can't miss my friends so hard it literally hurts my heart. Or that I can't wish for just ONE rainy cloudy brisk fall day.... with boots, pumpkin spice lattes and scarfs in deep orange and plum.
But I have to find my happy now.
Any ideas? Cause I think my man needs a break from being my best friend, boyfriend, roommate, and girl chat connoisseur. And that's ok.
Oh Tara... I felt this for a long time after moving to Sydney. And after 4 years, I've realized that it just takes time. It takes time to build new friendships, find new patterns, enjoy and acclimatize to the weather, etc. Just keep on keeping on x
ReplyDeleteOh my gosh.. has it been a year already? sheesh. Not sure lady... I would just randomly start talking to people everywhere! See where people hang out, etc. :) You never know!
ReplyDeleteI am getting ready (in the next year) to move from the West Coast (I live in Oregon) to move/drive to the East Coast to move to Massachusetts. And I am TERRIFIED. I was horrified moving from Washington (my home state) to Oregon because,I had heard so much "awful" things about Oregon. Which - NONE were true. I am married however and with my husbands degree he will have early next year (BA) I am FREAKING out in my brain. I can relate to you right now!
ReplyDeleteSorry things are so hard. It will get better. Get out and meet some people at new places (not the brewery!) Maybe sign up for an art class at the community college? I love you.
ReplyDeletethe pictures are very cute *_* your blog is very lovely and interesting. im glad if you visit my blog, too <3 keep in touch!
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beauthi.blogspot.com
ah. I have no advice. I am actually soon to be in your shoes. We are moving to California next month and I'm terrified. The furthest I have lived from my family was an hour-- I'm scared to leave all my friends and family. Everyone has told me I just need to dive in and get involved in the community and make new friends and find new hobbies and places I love. Easier said than done. We'll see how it goes. Good luck to you, I hope you find peace and happiness soon :) That's the great thing about the blogworld-- it's a mini escape from the real world.
ReplyDeleteI feel you, leaving California my home was hard for me, and after almost 6 years being here in Utah am I just now finding my happy. granted, I didn't do everything I could have to help with my situation, so it is important to stay positive, look for the good! you can make anywhere your home :) good luck with the process! Push yourself to meet new people and develop friendships!
ReplyDeletefriend.. i love how honest you are in this post and i'm so sad you feel this way! i think that dreaming and doing are such complete opposites that its hard to find a balance in the middle of both.
ReplyDeleteim gearing up for a huge change in my life for 6mo and i'm scared and sad, but i know its the best thing we can do for ourselves so i have to go with it. however, when its done i will hopefully be in a new city too and im such a loner i'm afraid i will be in the same situation.
i would rather be safely content doing my own thing alone then having to try to build relationships, or having to go after things for my business that might be hard. but really we can at least try right?
awwww sorry to hear you aren't loving it there! :( i've always wanted to move there!
ReplyDeletexo,
Sandy
Sandy a la Mode
I had to comment on this, even though its an old post - because I understand those feelings so much! I am a new reader on your blog but this post made me feel at home here. I too dropped everything to move with the guy I love - to Montana. We are getting ready to move again, this isn't the right spot for us - I was offered a great deal for graduate school in New Mexico. But those feelings of being stuck, of wanting to love the new place but not, of missing friends in ways you never imagined - i get it. i really do. I hope that things have settled down for you, that you've grown some roots in LA, that new friends have come your way. I hope that I find the things I've been missing on this next move but if not, it's good to know that someone understands!
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