Without the words...

Lately I've been having a very hard time putting words down in this place. I'm not sure how I got so lost; but it happened.

Sorry friends.

I think I've been having a hard time with the whole "growing up" situation lately. There are these big decisions we have to make. And when you're a kid, all you see is the fun stuff about being "grown up". You know... eating ice cream for dinner, driving wherever you want, staying up late, choosing what to watch on TV.... those things. But what you don't realize is that those are the easy choices of the day. But the rest of the day you are making BIG choices. Exhausting choices. What if I'm unhappy with my job, or my apt isn't right, OH so much debt and the ever-challenging situation of LOVE.

Oh and all the while you are making these choices it's kind of like playing a game of pin the tail on the donkey. Totally blind, moving toward what you believe to be the goal, and 90% of the time pinning something totally off course. But then unlike the game.... you have to roll with it once the blindfold is off.

I've always been an independent gal. It's how my momma raised me. To be strong and rely on only yourself. But the one thing she didn't mention is what to do when you fall in love.

Why is there no information for what to do when there's another person in your emotional status? When instead of just thinking of yourself.... you're now wondering what he's thinking, doing and wanting.

I should mention that my man is out of town. He's at a work conference and it's also the first time since we moved in together that he's been gone and I've been alone. Alone. Something I used to cherish and even paid extremely ridiculous money for in college because I coveted it so. But now. Now I'm used to sleeping next to his warm comfort. To laughing together after a long day. And to hearing his voice telling me goodbye in the morning.

And even though he returns tomorrow and has only been gone a short time.... all this time alone has made me think. Why is it that love makes us so afraid to be alone? Isn't absence supposed to make the heart grow fonder? But for me... I just want to know that he's ok, that he's sleeping well, and that he's happy. I want to hear his voice in the morning. Honestly, I can't even sleep in our bed alone. Isn't that silly? Love is a crazy experience.

Also I got very sick last night. There I was alone in our apt, puking into a pot from my spot on our futon, and feeling very sad. Granted if he had been home I would've felt awful and embarrassed for all the puke.... but still..... he would've taken care of me.

I don't want to be alone. That's what love has taught me. But the scary part of love is not knowing whether or not it will last. Are we both committed to wanting it....even when it's hard? And what if I were to end up alone again? It's a thought that hurts to terribly to even fathom. I'm strong..... and I would survive. But I don't want to be without him. I love him. And no matter what we've been through or what's to come.... I want to do it with him.

In other thoughts.... THIS song just came on as I was typing these thoughts and it couldn't have been more appropriately timed. If you haven't heard it... give it a listen. It's one of my favorites.

I will follow you into the dark--Death Cab for Cutie

on frustration

I just had one of those moments. Where the tiniest details causes you to tailspin into an emotional wreck. Where the words, thoughts and feelings coming out are a mess and nothing really makes sense but in your head you are totally right and validated. One of those moments where the tears start falling and you feel like all you want to do is crawl into your bed and hide in the covers for days because surely... that will make it all better.

These are the moments I despise being a girl. I despise it because usually I hit these tailspins after I feel that my man has done some unjust thing to me that is probably the most horrible thing any man could do. Today.... I wanted him home to help me take the laundry to the laundry mat. I have limited time to do it before work tonight and since I have a bad neck/back and the bag is always SO heavy.... I wanted his help. But when I asked him.... I didn't get the "YES. I'll be right there." answer that I was looking for. He didn't say no but at that moment it didn't matter what he said because it wasn't NOW.

And cue tears, jumbled angry words out-loud to no one and the f-word. Yes... frustration.

But here's the thing.

Am I really upset over him not coming RIGHT THIS SECOND to help? Nah. I'm upset REALLY because I have too many commitments, not enough time, a messy house, a dirty car, a hungry tummy, a tired body, a million projects and it may in fact be that time of the month. And I just wanted help. And as someone who has a terrible time asking for help, the fact that I finally did and the answer wasn't what I wanted to hear, well.... I freaked.

Frustration comes in the strangest of forms and for me it's usually at it's worst when I allow all the tiny details add up and then eventually hit me like a ton of tiny emotional daggers. And that many tiny emotional daggers in anyone's heart all at once is most definitely enough to make them cry.

So what do I know now? That it's ok to say no to people when it isn't the BEST interest of my goals and my business and MY LIFE. That when it's something I'm really excited about ... I'm going to put ALL my energy toward it, accomplish it.... and then allow myself to feel proud.

I think that's the thing.

We all work so hard and so fast that we forget to take the time to APPRECIATE and FEEL GOOD when we accomplish something we worked so hard on. And honestly this really goes for the small stuff too. The laundry got done today... so I relaxed with my man before my night shift at work INSTEAD of finishing this post. And it felt good. He gave up part of his day to help me and I wanted to appreciate that by just spending time with him.

We really need to set achievable goals and challenges for ourselves and not forget to feel PROUD when we complete them.  Even if they were altered along the way.

That said, if you want a pretty hoop for your home use the code: JUST4YOU as my treat to you by shopping here.

OR, if you want take a jump somewhere new for sponsorship at a rad deal, click here, and enter the code: WATERMELON when checking out.

Happy Tuesday. 

Why I am having trouble doing what I love.

It makes me sad not to be blogging.
I have so many ideas in my head of pretty thoughts and DIYs that I want to share with you.
But alas, life has been really keeping me from that.

Source: artistlaraharris.tumblr.com via Tara on Pinterest

But I want to explain.
So you know that I'm not just a bad blogger.
Or lazy, or tired of it.
Cause I'm most certainly none of those.
But this is why…

Source: loveisthethingwithwings.blogspot.com via Tara on Pinterest

 MY DAILY ROUTINE {give or take a few details of course} ::


6am-Wake to an annoyingly loud alarm that fella must get up for. Thankfully I get to stay cozied up in bed for a bit longer and he will reset said alarm for me.

6:45-Goodbye kiss. <3

7:30-Alarm again. Must get up. Shower, coffee {waiting for me, thanks babe} and out the door in a flustered hurry {always}; by 8:30.

8:30-9ish- LA traffic!! Ugh. Enough said.

9ish-2 or 3pm- Nanny the sweetest boy {6mos} and try to work, email, sometimes blog from my iPhone while he sleeps.

3-4:30-  Head home. Eat something. Clean up house, try to fill orders, answer emails or blog if time. Get ready for job #2.

4:30pm-Drive to Job #2 and yell at terrible drivers about being better humans. {truth}

5pm-9:30 or midnight/1am- Serve people beer, wine, food and whatever else ridiculousness they may need. {Please tip your server!! Please.}

And after everything I'm back home. Trying to force food into my mouth. Trying to stay awake for a quick show on TV with my equally exhausted fella, and trying to pry contacts from my tired eyes only to plop them back in first thing in the morning.

Source: traceysthoughts.tumblr.com via Tara on Pinterest

And the weekends? Those are days in which laundry, cleaning, events {there are ALWAYS many of those with a brewer for a man} and all other chores get tended to.

I wanted to share this because… well because my true heart loves to write. My true heart is still working toward a full time professional career in writing.
And my true heart loves this blog, this community and reading your writing, your comments, and stories from YOU.

Source: bookfessions.tumblr.com via Tara on Pinterest

But I wanted you to know why I'm not the kind of blogger who can spit out 3-4 posts a week with beautiful photos {I also don't own a camera beyond my iPhone}.

I wanted you to understand that when I do have even an hour to myself, I'm either sitting at my laptop with 100+ tabs open {yes I open EVERY post separately because I love the full experience} or I'm agonizing over what to write for you.

Source: impatientlyprayingforpatience.blogspot.com via Tara on Pinterest

OR, rarely I am creating something for my shop, a friend, or family member.

I don't ever have time for books anymore, I know nothing about the Hunger Games craze or even why I need to care; but it's ok because I have my blogs.

So please understand. I'd love to be following my heart. But circumstances are against me a lot. But I hope you'll stick with me. Cause in a few months… my schedule's a-changing. And I cannot wait.

Source: myconcretesky.com via Tara on Pinterest

Thanks for being my bloggy friends.
Xo.

Taking time

Lately I've been a bit stressed and overwhelmed. Hundreds of orders to complete, two jobs to work, house to clean, errands to run AND THEN there's the Internet world/work.

Well yesterday I decided to stop. I was moving so quickly in my own life that I wasn't even paying attention to any of it. Every day I woke up and felt like I had to speed through and make it till the following day.

And yesterday I said no.
No Internet.
No working.
No distractions from living life.

Cause the reality is.… there will always be something to do. Another deadline, another pile of dirty clothes, another something. And frankly I don't want to remember this time in my life as the years I made no memories. Because all those 'other' things…are just on repeat forever in your life. But quality time…that's what stays with you when you're old and gray.

Yesterday was so lovely. I had lunch with my man and actually enjoyed it. I TASTED my food instead of just feeding myself to fulfill a task.

We bought a couch. And I watched my man put it together and make our house feel more like a home. And we sat on the couch and snuggled together. I can't even tell you how great it felt.

I made us dinner. And took time to enjoy cooking. Afterward we had hot cider and decided to sleep out in the living room so we could watch more 'How I Met Your Mother' and enjoy each other's company. It was so much fun to camp out together and just laugh and enjoy.

And although we're exhausted today {and both feeling the start of sick}, I honestly wouldn't trade last night for anything.

It's so important to just live sometimes. It feeds your soul and gives you the energy to do all that other 'stuff'.

Just live today.