I think I've been having a hard time with the whole "growing up" situation lately. There are these big decisions we have to make. And when you're a kid, all you see is the fun stuff about being "grown up". You know... eating ice cream for dinner, driving wherever you want, staying up late, choosing what to watch on TV.... those things. But what you don't realize is that those are the easy choices of the day. But the rest of the day you are making BIG choices. Exhausting choices. What if I'm unhappy with my job, or my apt isn't right, OH so much debt and the ever-challenging situation of LOVE.
Oh and all the while you are making these choices it's kind of like playing a game of pin the tail on the donkey. Totally blind, moving toward what you believe to be the goal, and 90% of the time pinning something totally off course. But then unlike the game.... you have to roll with it once the blindfold is off.
I've always been an independent gal. It's how my momma raised me. To be strong and rely on only yourself. But the one thing she didn't mention is what to do when you fall in love.
Why is there no information for what to do when there's another person in your emotional status? When instead of just thinking of yourself.... you're now wondering what he's thinking, doing and wanting.
I should mention that my man is out of town. He's at a work conference and it's also the first time since we moved in together that he's been gone and I've been alone. Alone. Something I used to cherish and even paid extremely ridiculous money for in college because I coveted it so. But now. Now I'm used to sleeping next to his warm comfort. To laughing together after a long day. And to hearing his voice telling me goodbye in the morning.
And even though he returns tomorrow and has only been gone a short time.... all this time alone has made me think. Why is it that love makes us so afraid to be alone? Isn't absence supposed to make the heart grow fonder? But for me... I just want to know that he's ok, that he's sleeping well, and that he's happy. I want to hear his voice in the morning. Honestly, I can't even sleep in our bed alone. Isn't that silly? Love is a crazy experience.
Also I got very sick last night. There I was alone in our apt, puking into a pot from my spot on our futon, and feeling very sad. Granted if he had been home I would've felt awful and embarrassed for all the puke.... but still..... he would've taken care of me.
I don't want to be alone. That's what love has taught me. But the scary part of love is not knowing whether or not it will last. Are we both committed to wanting it....even when it's hard? And what if I were to end up alone again? It's a thought that hurts to terribly to even fathom. I'm strong..... and I would survive. But I don't want to be without him. I love him. And no matter what we've been through or what's to come.... I want to do it with him.
In other thoughts.... THIS song just came on as I was typing these thoughts and it couldn't have been more appropriately timed. If you haven't heard it... give it a listen. It's one of my favorites.
I will follow you into the dark--Death Cab for Cutie