Fighting for Friendship

My entire life I've been the girl who peered in.
All the cute, funny, stylish girls crowded together and loved each other and laughed.
And I stood on the outside of this circle trying and fighting to replicate their actions so that I could be in the circle too.

 But somehow it just never happened.
I didn't have enough money.
Or the cool clothes.

I was awkward and liked to read.
I'm clumsy and had better conversations with the teacher than those girls.
{probably because I was so intimidated by them}

And my entire life I kept thinking to myself...
One day it won't matter. 
One day I'll just be an adult and there won't be any more jealousy or cliques.
But it's not really true.

In college it was less obvious but still existed.
I had many guy friends {because truthfully boys don't have this unspoken weirdness},
But never a core group of girlfriends. 

I was still struggling to connect.
And frequently girls would get angry at me and turn people against me and I wouldn't even know WHY or what it was that I had done to upset them. A guy friend even told me once {on my 21st birthday} that "I KNEW what I did."
I cried in the middle of the room. Frustrated and NOT knowing what I had ever done. 

Now here I am at 25 years old.
I have a FEW girlfriends that I call friends but we don't really share our entire hearts.
We don't laugh and have coffee and call each other all the time. 
We don't send each other nice notes to say we were thinking of each other. 

And honestly, it must be me.

I am a very independent person. 
I have a hard time trusting others. 

But what hurts my heart recently....
is my move.

I'm in a new state, with a fresh start, and I'm trying to be more outgoing.
EVERY girl I meet I try and reach out to. 
And after nearly a month,
I still have zero girlfriends. 

My heart hurts.

What's worse is that ever since I started blogging,
I've found an amazing community of women.
I've found ladies who are caring, kind and want wrap you up in their sweetness.
I've found friendships. 

But I've never actually hugged these women.
And I can't sit with them for coffee and share my heart.
We can't laugh and talk about work, boys, home, crafts, food. 

And,
I find myself jealous of them. 
I still feel like I'm fighting for their friendship.
I see BETTER, STRONGER relationships form between the people that I shared my heart with and I feel betrayed and left out. 
I wonder why it wasn't me.
Why I wasn't the one.

I know I'm in control of my own happiness.
I know that I am the one over-trying and over-analyzing my feelings.

But I also know I'm the girl without the core group of friends. 

Does anyone else feel this way?